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4.3 ★★★★★
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★★★★★ 5
A fitting title for a fantastic healing book
Format: Kindle
Firstly, I was very hesitant to jump on the trend of calling anyone who has mistreated me a narcissist or see myself as a victim of narcissistic abuse. Every time I hear a person casually apply the word to an ex or a family member who mistreated them, I innerly roll my eyes. The narcissist label has been overly used and abused and probably doesn't apply to most people who casually use the word. In fact, I was so dismissive of people generously over using the word, that I dismissed the reality that I was actually a textbook case of an individual who grew up under the abuse and control of a narcissist . This book has helped me identify that reality and helped me begin to heal.
The author, Dr. Ramani Durvasula does an excellent job of making the topic approachable and relatable to victims of different genders, ages and life circumstances who all share the core elements of narcissistic abuse. She shares many stories covering all aspects of abuse, from romantic relationships, employers to family. So, you won't feel left out. But, the best part is, no matter if she's talking about romantic or family narcissistic abuse you will relate to the abuse. The book is well written, never too technical and very engaging. Its an easy and pleasurable read.
A few years ago, I came across another psychologist on Youtube who talked about the signs of a narcissist and even though they applied to my family member, I dismissed the fact that I was abused, until I subsequently came to the conclusion on my own years later after realizing I was being gaslighted and triangulated ALL my life and until this day. I was so confused and thought I could help the situation, until I realized that things weren't going to change after decades of trying and the person actually likes the mind games. This book has confirmed many things I've observed and experienced in my life and thus the title, "it's Not You," is so apropos. Reading the book was like actually having a conversation with a therapist who spoke as though they knew everything about my situation, as if they were reading my mind. This book has helped me fully come out of denial and embrace the reality of not only the narcissistic family member and abuse, but also the propensity I have in attracting narcissistic people into my life. But, this book has left me with a happy ending of awareness of the wound that was left unattended and unhealed, that is now healing. I invite anyone who think they are alone or think are imagining narcissistic abuse and want to have a conversation with themselves through reading the pages of this well written book, to finally put yourself first and allow your truth to speak and heal you. Start freeing yourself by investing and reading this wonderful book.
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Reviewed in the United States on January 30, 2025
★★★★★ 5
Audiobook conveys message even better than author’s eloquent, precise words in a book
Format: Audiobook, Format: Audiobook
Target audience: non-narcissistic people who have been adversely impacted by pathologically narcissistic individuals.
“It’s Not You” is one of those books where the audiobook *greatly* enhances, optimizes & completes the reader’s understanding of the author’s message & information. Read-by-the-author audiobooks have the advantage of having emphases & nuances conveyed as the author intended. And this author verbal communication is highly nuanced & expressive.
Ramani Durvasula not only has the credentials, depth of experience & cohesive understanding of pathologies of the human psyche, especially Axis II conditions, she has the rare combination of experience & competency to diagnose & treat both:
1) a) pathological individuals w/narcissistic thought & behavior patterns &/or b) NPD patients meeting diagnostic criteria (“treat” includes attenuate, not necessarily “cure”, esp conditions w/ poor prognosis)
2) those adversely impacted by the damage inflicted on people in the pathological individual’s lives.
At the risk of being repetitive, this book is aimed at the 2nd population.
In online spaces, Durvasula has been criticized by the 1st population, which is to be expected. Combating, destroying ANY *perceived* criticism is an *expected* part of narcissistic pathology (as well as avoidantly attached individuals, many of whom are also narcissistic).
This book is an excellent companion to the solid, publicly accessible online via her videos (free) as well as the modestly priced online healing program. Finding good resources to help those affected by the pathological narcissist is an incredibly challenging task. Rare are the “counselors”, “therapists” & other resources who can truly help make genuine, sustainable substantial headway on the task of recovering from adverse impacts inflicted by pathological narcissists.
Ramani Durvasula’s resources are the opposite - practically makes up for wasted time & resources “auditioning” ineffective therapists, reading books, attending group therapies etc.
While my personal tool kit for recovery is evolving (as is the science), Durvasula’s material, including “It’s Not You” is a permanent part of my tool kit.
As of Nov 2024, additional & complementary resources I’ve found helpful:
- “It’s Not You” is a well complemented by: Peter Solerno’s Aug 2024 The Nature and Nurture of Narcissism: Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder from the Perspective of Gene - Environment Interaction, a book I purchased for the citations/bibliography & have been delightfully surprised by the writing. . . Solerno & Durvasula are stylistic different in their delivery. I sincerely appreciate both.
- Work & online material of Les Carter.
- Jackson MacKenzie’s books RIP
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Reviewed in the United States on December 1, 2024
★★★★★ 5
Healing from a narcissistic organization/ family member
Format: Hardcover
Dr. Ramani does a excellent job helping victims of narcissistic relationships in this book. As a brown male who was part of an organization and had a family member who had narcissistic tendencies, I needed help returning back to myself. This book helped in every way to become free and heal from these relationships, and not return back to those types of relationships. Thanks for writing this book, Dr Ramani!
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Reviewed in the United States on May 6, 2026
★★★★★ 4
Detailed Window to Narcissism
Format: Kindle
This book answered a lot of questions I had about narcissism. I have been on the fence about labeling a certain person in my life as a narcissist, but this book helped me recognize the behaviors that I have seen in this person in my life. I agree with a lot of the author's thoughts about how narcissism effects the people that are hurt by this disorder, but I did not agree in her belief about forgiveness in the matter of dealing with a narcissist. Forgiveness is a hard thing to practice but It does set you free from the heavy things that way a person down. It was also sad to accept the belief that narcissists will never change but in my heart, I believe that it is true.
I appreciated her style of writing this book. At times it felt like the author was sitting in my living room and talking directly to me. I also liked how the author explained certain psychological terms in a way that most people could understand. I have read other books on narcissism, but I think this book gave me the best definitions and examples of this hurtful and destructive disorder.
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Reviewed in the United States on February 23, 2026
★★★★★ 5
very important book
Format: Kindle
If you are a victim of narcissistic abuse, It’s Not You could be a revolutionary, transformative, healing read. I just finished it and feel a deep gratitude to Ramani Durvasula, PhD for dedicating her life to sharing, as she calls it, “the story of the lion” not the hunter.
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Reviewed in the United States on May 30, 2026
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